I'm laughing through my tears!Democrats Accept Major Cuts to Their Balls
Outcome Surprises No One
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – After weeks of wrenching negotiations that went right up to the wire, Democrats in the House and Senate today accepted major cuts to their balls.
The cuts, which are expected to pass both houses of Congress on Tuesday, will give Republicans’ total custody of the Democrats’ cojones through the next election cycle.
The final hitch in the negotiations centered on how long the Republicans would keep the Democrats’ family jewels, with Democrats wanting them returned by 2012 and Republicans insisting on keeping them longer.
After much wrangling, a compromise was worked out in which the Republicans would keep the Democrats’ balls “indefinitely.”
After the deal was hammered out, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was philosophical about an outcome that surprised no one.
“You win some and you lose some,” he told reporters. “Except that, as Democrats, only the second part is true.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) said that the historic deal set the stage for more compromises between the two political parties: “Tomorrow we begin negotiating for their lunch money.”
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
It Has Come To This....
Friday, July 1, 2011
Mark Halperin's Four Letter Word
"In America, you can get fired for calling someone a dick; however, actually being a dick usually gets you promoted."
MSNBC senior political analyst Mark Halperin was suspended on Thursday by the cable network after he called President Obama “a dick” on a popular morning show and then quickly apologized.
“I thought he was a kind of a dick yesterday,” Halperin, who also is an editor at large for Time, said on “Morning Joe,” referring to the president’s conduct during his press conference.
Jon Stewart, comedian and satirist extraordinaire, expounded on Mark Halperin's behavior and then what happened after a commercial break. WATCH:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Mark Halperin Calls Obama a Dick | ||||
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MSNBC issued a statement and suspended Halperin indefinitely.
A couple of hours later, MSNBC issued a statement, saying, “Mark Halperin’s comments this morning were completely inappropriate and unacceptable. We apologize to the president, the White House and all of our viewers. We strive for a high level of discourse, and comments like these have no place on our air. Therefore, Mark will be suspended indefinitely from his role as an analyst.”
The cable outlet also put out a statement from Halperin at the same time, saying, “I completely agree with everything in MSNBC’s statement about my remark. I believe that the step they are taking in response is totally appropriate. Again, I want to offer a heartfelt and profound apology to the president, to my MSNBC colleagues and to the viewers. My remark was unacceptable, and I deeply regret it.”
Time also issued a statement but did not suspend Halperin.
Mark Halperin, in his role as the senior political analyst for Time magazine, Time.com, and MSNBC, should be aware that by his unsavory comment he not only crossed the line between opinion and journalism but that the image of the journalist as a professional has truly been breached.Time issued a statement later Thursday, calling Halperin’s comments “inappropriate and in no way reflective of Time’s views.”
The magazine did not suspend Halperin but said, “We have issued a warning to him that such behavior is unacceptable” and noted that he had “appropriately” apologized.